Why not to marry: She's marrying you for the exact opposite reason you're marrying her: she thinks you'll change.
She thinks you'll change, for the BETTER. Things don't get better as they get older.
Look at your truck. Look at your roof. Look in the MIRROR!
-- Red Green

I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess

If you all look under your seats..... you won't find anything. This is not a game show, I am not Oprah. This is a wedding.

The best Chapter in my Life was the chapter where I met all the best friends I have now.

You're only limited by your own imagination, and the laws in your area.

Movies Greg introduced me to:

• Eurotrip
• Shawn of the Dead
• Red Dawn

Drinking Cheers Toasts:

1. Heres to staying Positive, and Testing Negative
2. I offered my honor
   She honored my offer
   All night long, I was Honor and Off her
   So here's to
   Hittin' Honor
   Gettin' Honor
   Stayin' Honor
   If you can't cum in her
   Cum honor
3. Here's to Honor Get on her. Stay on her.
   If you can't Cum in her. Cum On her
4. If the ocean was beer and I was a duck,
   I'd swim to the bottom and drink my way up.
   But the ocean's not beer, and I'm not a duck.
   So raise up your glasses and shut the fuck up.
5. May our many puppies a kitten have wealthy parents.
6. It matters not if the wine glass is half empty or half full, clearly there's room for more!
7. You're a gentleman and a scholar and a good judge of bad liquor.
8. Here's to being single, drinking doubles, and seeing triple.
9. Nostrovia (To Your Health)
10. Got this Canadian drunk and see what happens.
    You'll be sOOOrry.
11. To wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!
12. Here's to those that wish us well, and all the rest can burn in hell!
13. Cheers, beers and great big tits!
14. Here's to the women we love,
    Here's to the women that love us,
    If the women we love don't love us,
    Fuck the women, here's to us.
15. Jamie, I've drank to your health so many times I've ruined my own.
16. May your home always be too small to hold all your friends.
17. May you have the hindsight to know where you've been,
    the forsight to know where you're going, and
    the insight to know when you've gone too far
18. Here's to a long life and a merry one
    A quick death, and an easy one.
    a pretty woman, and an honest one,
    A cold pint, and another one.

The Wizard of Lies[2017]

Hank Azaria: Frank DiPascali

In my experience there are only FOUR different types of pussy in this world:

• Honda Civic Pussy:
• Gets you where you wanna go.
• NO shame in this Pussy at all.
• It's Reliable.
• You're just NOT going to PROUD seen riding around town in that.
• Am I right? Nothing against her.
• I'm sure she's a NICE girl.
• Buick Regal Pussy:
• A step up from Honda.
• Generally, they're cleaner, roomier.
• Fits more passengers.
• I guess there's pros and cons to that in a pussy.
• You know, Lovely pussy.
• Nobody's gonna confuse it for a Benz, though.
• Lincoln Continanental Pussy:
• My Personal Favorite. Beautiful. Just right.
• Like Goldilocks. Just Right.
• Not too fancy, not too plain.
• Its just comfortable, it just fits.
• Its like an OLLLD pair of slippers, but, instead of your foot, you put your cock in it.
• Mercedes Bends Pussy:
• Read it and weep.
• Look at it, it's BEAUtiful.
• Its a FEAT of vaginal engineering.
• It handles great.
• It's sleek.
• It's TIGHT.
• It feels good.
• It looks good.
• It smells good.
• BUT lotta upkeep.
• Yeah...Payments those are murder.
• You gotta Wax it.
• You gotta polish it.
• You gotta talk to it.
• You gotta listen to it.
• And MOST inportantly, you got to remain EVER-vigilant that NOBODY fucking jacks it.
• You don't have to worry about that, cause you'll never anywhere NEAR pussy like that. So don't worry about it.

Interject in between:

• I'm dead serious.
• Let me show you. I just saw one.
• All right, right there. You see right there?
• Don't make it obvious.
• Am I right?
• Stay with me,
• Hold all questions to the end.

Speech for my Sisters Wedding 2012

Hi, I'm Adam, Darlana's older brother, and I have some memories to share with you, and some advice for the happy couple, from the guy who put up with her for her first 27 years.

Europe:

As some of you may know, Darlana and I have toured Europe three times, and that's where THIS lucky couple will be honeymooning. So, some travel advice for Greg.
(P.S. I'm REALLY looking forward to finally having a brother.)
Darlana loves to make, and keep with a schedule! I remember during my visit to France, simply saying "I'd like to visit Scotland" caused Darlana to quickly sprint into the nearest Internet cafe --after stealing my credit card--. She returned with a thorough travel itinerary, with every bus, train, plane, hostel, and attraction precisely detailed. Along with "Meet you in Paris!"
So you better just let her call all the shots, do all the planning, sit back, and relax!
One of the stories I'd like to share is when I went visit Darlana in France a few years back, and after following her carefully orchestrated travel plan for 36 hours --thanks by the way-- I arrived in Bordeaux to her serving tables at a REAL classy joint. She desperately tried to educate me on the calm, romantic French way of life, but I'm sure I still scared some locals.
We then toured south France, and in San Sebastien, Spain, where we saw the sights, partied late, slept in, and I woke up to "train leaves in 30 mins"... whereby we had to sprint completely across town-- but we still missed the train.
Oh, this is as good a time as any to apologize to Greg for giving Darlana such expensive tastes.

Childhood:

Our childhoods were filled with memories of family vacations to Disneyland, Birch Bay, Mariner and Grizzly Games, loving pets, school trips, camping, trampolines, sleek convertibles, personal Little League coaching --thanks dad (*point*), and the latest technology.

In closing:

Somehow, I felt my traditional role as older brother was to keep guys away from my sister, and I've normally been quite protective of her. But, all it takes is to see how she looks at Greg, and I know she's in good hands.
It’s hard for the bro' who grew up pulling your hair to admit it, but you have sure turned into a beautiful woman.
We've shared some great memories, and I know you know I'll always be there to love and support you.
Congratulations and I look forward to supporting you in everything you have coming in the future!

Auntie Mona Unsworth Eulogy Nov 18th, 2016

My Auntie Mona lived a full and wonderful life. Living just shy of 100, she was quite the Family Matriarch.
She will be greatly missed and will be remembered with warmth and love.
She was the Family Genealogist, and she so often spoke foundly of our Irish Heritage.
I look forward to re-reading our Family Tree one day soon, and perhaps getting in touch with the cousins + kin back in "The Old Country".

I was so proud of how long she was able to live so independently. Moving around her house with such ease. Knowing where every last thing was hidden.

Auntie Mona kept everything it seemed, and was always happy to lend heirlooms down through the generations.
Including the old-fashioned baby carriage, bassinet, crib and even Scott's wooden potty!
I have always heard the story repeated of how I managed to pull out three wooden slats from the crib so my mom(Joan) and dad(Rick) had to turn the crib backward, against the wall.
Maybe that was why dad(Rick) cut a "peephole" into my bedroom door (in the days before the days of baby monitors)?

Auntie Mona (and Uncle Charlie) were so good at helping many family members, including helping her (elderly) mom and dad in their later years, when their eyesight was failing them.
They supported and cheered on my mom, Joan when she was Miss Vancouver, supported Louise and Anne in Job's Daughters, and of course generously bought many raffle tickets, chocolate bars, and light bulbs for fundraising.
And later on, she visited Grandpa(Andrew) regularly in his Care Home in Surrey.

Auntie Mona remembered each and every one of us with a thoughtful and generous gift at Christmas, like lovingly-knitted sweaters, and baby blankets.
Sometimes though, on Christmas Eve we heard Rudolf was flying overhead and Auntie Mona still needed to wrap "just one more present".

Most of all, the family often comments on how Auntie Mona has always been a real trouper and was never, ever, ever been heard complaining!

Auntie Mona made Family Dinners around the Holidays extra-Special. As a child, She was very patient with me and my hyperactivity and constant questions.
Her phone calls on my Birthday when she'd heard cheering/screaming children in the background.
Her Playing on the Piano and Singing.
As a child, I always loved her costumes and singing with my (Grandma) Kay. A tradition I am proud to continue.

As an adult, she gave me some old fashioned hand tools (hammer, plane-er and chisels) I still use to work on my house. They will last several lifetimes.
She always had kind words, and a patient ear when it came to listening to stories of my life.

Both (Mom)Joan + Anne both slept in the Unsworth bassinet and crib.
I was just re-watching an old video of Auntie Mona attempting to juggle!!
In was on a tape of her supporting Kay during her RichmondEastern Star Chapter in December 1994.