Comedy Act

I've had on my Bucket List for years that I wanted to try my hand at stand-up comedy. So I've been keeping a list of material

As it is difficult to convey humour in text format. I would probably prefer to save your critiques for in-person.

My actions are in asterisks.

Intro:

Its my first time, and just like when I lost my other virginity... I'm not gonna lie, It'll hurt, you'll cry, who may even bleed, but if you don't struggle I'll get it over with quickly Yea, Its my first time, be gentle on me, go easy. Or fuck it, I can be like this guy and virgins, and just rough ram it in until you run crying home to mommy.


Any of you see that clip of Jim Carrey doing his first stand up? Doesn't seem so hard. Pssh.. $20M/movie go-nowhere hack, You better Film me for posterity. *pause* Shit, did I set the standards too high?

Main Act:

Mom:

Oh congratulations, your parent loved you.
Hint Hint Mom!
Actually my mom is in the audience tonight, no she doesn't want to be pointed out.
Ending: I've been Adam, and if you hated the act, and want to nail my mom as retribution, that's her

Hot Yoga:

Have you tried Hot Yoga Miss? Yea you have! Either that or its the Ol' Finger Salute to keep you in those pants ;)
So Got dragged by an ex to Hot Yoga.
Walked in, Nothing but Hot, Half-naked girls end to end!
Holy FuckBalls, I have found the Pussy Holy Grail! I can't WAIT to tell all my buddies about this!
Teacher begins. Namaste! yea yea whatever *check out the girls*.
Good to see you brought the 80s unitards back. I can live with that.
Hold your leg like this, Breathe, Bend over, yea, yea, I got this.
Downward Dog--Man, that musta been named by a Dude. This is so awesome.
If I was single, I wouldn't know which girl to pick!
Man I am going to rock this. I know I make this look Good.
This is so easy. Corpse Pose? Seriously? You guys need a break after 60 secs of stretching? My mom is such a pussy.
*pause*
Few minutes later, I'm looking around. Starting to sweat a bit. Some of the Girls are having a hard time. Starting to see a few more dudes have snuck in apparently, guess its not a secret.
*pause*
Ten Minutes later, its a bit faster. I'm starting to sweat. Its definitely harder. Those breaks are getting shorter. A few Hot-messes. But hey, I likes me some Keisha.
*pause*
Now, fast-forward to Half hour in, I am sweating like a Gerbil in a Gay Bar.
Where did all the hot girls go? I'm surrounded by sweat covered nightmares. Just dripping like ceiling of a steam-room.
Makeup smeared sweat-stains in places I have never seen them before!
And the smell! If anyone ever uses an analogy like "smells like swiss cheese or gym socks in here" Buddy, I guarantee you they have never done hot yoga! It smells like if your Armpit could smell Bed Sore.
Its a sealed room. Zero Ventilation to keep the 130 degree heat in.
You might say well "I've been down south, Central America, Middle East, Australia, its that Hot. Fuck you! You weren't laminated into an armpit of Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force for 90 minutes of torture.
Get the hell outta here!

Scarface:

You like drugs? I could never do drugs. I'm too cheap. If I found a drug I liked, the next day I would buy a truck load of it. I'd turn into Scarface overnight!

Facebook Pics:

To my Facebook Friends who complain when I post a group photo, and demand I take it down, I'm sorry Slutty-McSlut-Slut that you don't know how to dress yourself, but how else are you gonna learn. This is called a camera. When this little light goes off, you should look appropriately, like the other 50 people standing around you have figured out. I'm not scrapping that wedding photo because you can't figure this out.

Going Live:

Are you going to go Live? Are you Mike Wallace? How important is the shit you have to say? OMG Jenny here, sitting around doing jack-all I have never seen a Live Feed I enjoyed. Think people are watching yours? Try dropping your top next time. See how many people react.

Makeup:

You're a good looking crowd. You ladies look nice.
Some of you went at it with Homer Simpson's Makeup Shotgun though...
Can I get a shout out for guys that prefer the natural look? Ponytail, no makeup, sweats.
Now lets see how many like to see their girlfriend in the bathroom for 2 hours, often to come out like a Jackson Pollock painting.
Painted on eye brows, makeup hints they got from Orange is the New Black--You girls realize that is a show about PRISON, right? They ain't sex symbols.
Speaking on behalf of every straight man. Not like any women asked: WTF is with the Scary Eyebrows?? Who told you that was hot?
Don't get me wrong, it is sex scenes are hot though. Calm down sir, this guy was about to put up his hand and remind me to tell the crowd what he jerks off to.

Porn:

Speaking of Porn--Oh shit, was that not a Segway? Oh well, Giggity Giggity.
Porn Stars. All have Bad Teeth. Mouth Full of Cavities. This guy doesn't get it, cause all his porn stars are under 18. I could really do with most (of my completely normal. I swear) porn videos not have titles "Step Daughter fucks Daddy".
I totally get how this happened. Some Cousin-Fucker titled his video that, and people liked it--you know for its artistic merit. And those videos rose in popularity. But reading the most-frequent pornsite searched terms, we can't all be that disgusting.
Well Maybe *that* guy Why do all Porn titles sound like the worst Incest imaginable? Who is searching for this? Would you stay in a hotel ever again if you knew how many people has fucked in it? Would you shake another hand after you releases everything they do with it?

The Crowd

Many comedians "work the crowd, and try to make it personal,--pick on their fans that seem to be enjoying their show the most."

Restaurants:

Your bf/gf chick/guy looks like one of those dicks wait-staff fucking HATES!
I bet he/she needs to read EVERY word on the menu, even though you have PERSONALLY taken them to this restaurant 20 times.
Impression: "I kinda want a burger, but are there craisins on the cobb salad?
Are their cheese sticks battered?
Is there MSG in the croutons?
How much is a side of rice?
Oh wait, I will have the Burger I ALWAYS FUCKING HAVE!"
You my friend deserve a METAL in patience for not cramming a baguette down their throat
Then they complain "We've been here for 45 mins, Where is our food?"

Pubs:

This guy will be HOLDING the drink menu, but will make the poor waitress list off every beer on tap.v Before getting the FIRST beer she mentioned. The SAME beer they get EVERY damn time!
They are busy adults with shit to do. Not little kids you are quizing to list off their ABC's.

Waiting:

You're that bEoitch from the "Waiting" Movie with Ryan Reynolds.
Hope you like your Garlic Salt and Alfalfa Grouts

Carjacking:

I got carjacked in of those stacked Parkade last week. Stupid thieves, Didn't realize there was only ONE way out. I just calmly took the elevator down while they were loop-de-looping all the way down the ramp, and punched him in the face while he waited in line to pay the toll.

People are way too on-edge now a days, True Story I tapped on a Lady's window in Costco, she had left grocery bags. She thought it was a car-jacking, grabbed her pepper-spray and fired. Stupid Bitch didn't realize her window was up. Guess who ate her 48 donuts while watching her screaming and crying.

Europe:

I just got back from Europe. Any of you from there? I'll let the rest of you in on a secret:
You Drink for free over there. All you have to do is chug a beer, they'll hand you another. Its like Animal House was never released there!

Europe-fat, you'd be sideshow fat.

Phones:

I didn't write my shit on my phone. Didn't have to write it down. I see you Other comedians on their phone, why do you audience members put up with that crap? Ask your waitress here if you'd put up with her crap if she couldn't remember your massively complicated order or today's specials

Dogs:

I a dog. He is 35 pounds of fluff, you have NO idea how many new immigrants--Im sorry, is that racist?
I mean people that don't speak the language, and have never seen a dog--well not on the dinner plate.... Anyways, my dog Bosco walks up to them, tail-wagging, tongue panting, smiling like an adorable million bucks. Some of these weirdos freak out like there's a rabid wolf wondering the shopping mall Now I have never been to India, but if I moved there, I 've seen Gandhi, I'd know I might see fucking cows. I'm not going to freak out if I see a big fucking steak walking down the street!

Bosco outside store, people think he's abandoned, ya maybe he's a fucking greeter.

Computers:

As a Computer guy: If I say "Its probably a virus", I probably just don't want to help you."

Loser Friends:

I recently found out im a Life Coach. Ya, turns out I have some shitty, messed up friends, but once i fix their problems the losers are suddenly too good for me, and act like the simple solution to their problems was their idea.

Birthday:

Just had my birthday *wait for cheers* screw off, you don't know me.
Anyways, whats with Getting Waiters to stand around singing your birthday party. Just to pretend you have friends?

Tall:

Jesus you're tall. basketball, you're short, are you good at... sitting?

Dicks:

Is it just me, or does that poster of Jimmy Hendrix not look like a cock?

Dreams:

Program your dreams. Fall asleep to Zombies, dream of them. I like to fall asleep to porn. All I ask is a high-five if this changed your life.

Ring of Fire:

to my When Gay guys are mad at their bfs, do they eat a ton of mega spicy chicken wings 12 hours before their romantic night?

Homeless Reality Show:

Can we load all the homeless people on a bus and drop them off part port hardy. Mount go pros on them and televise their return to Victoria. They money made would cover the housing costs for at least 6 months. Might lose a few along the way but that just makes it more exciting

Outro:

Great guys, harder then it looks, And if you didn't like it, fuck you, YOU paid ME to waste your time ;) --Shit you didn't pay me? Well my buddy has been breaking into your cars the last hour. So long suckers

Outro: Reject Host's Handshake:

Ah!! keep your Crypt Keeper claw away from me! I saw that consolatory handshake of rejection. Like every POF date this guys ever been on!

Heckle Comebacks:

Fuck you, I'm awesome.
Fuck you, I've already unscrewed that red light.
Fuck off, My mom says im cool
Lets face it, you had no other options/choices. Stop trying to convince yourself Netflix+Chill means sitting at home alone watching Porn.
*If anyone films you* Hey, If this ends up on youtube, so does the video of that thing I did to your mom last night!

Heckle Towards other Comedian:

Is part of your act trying to cover up that this shit is hard
I can come up, here, spout of vile, racist crap, and you girls line up after to blow me.

Unfinished Thoughts:

• Feel free to heckle, try me.... fuck face.
• Convertible.....
• Jokes screened with, Yes, no Potential. Gf into cosplay, nun-no;cheerleader-yes;***** potential.
• Nothing makes you look older than complaining about music
• I didn't think stand up was hard, I mean if I just try to match Kevin's standards of no one puking, We're good
• ___Ceremoniously___ fired, dumped
• Yelling from a car, only hearing one word.
• Call me "old" all you want, but in my dat, you couldn't masturbate to Music Videos. Oh and we tried!
• Miley Cyrus shirt reminds me of blow jobs. Or do Blowjobs remind me of Miley Cyrus? Dammit, however says Porno doesn't effect them..
• Asians hate my dog because he looks so tasty, but they can't eat him

Rejected Jokes from my Sister's Wedding:

• 3 inches, Greg calls it, half an inch
  
• Darlana sports in high school. Greg Sports in high school. Good luck buddy
  
• Mom Grand children, you know the only thing you're getting from me and selena's is more puppy
  
• Bachelor Party cover-up.
  
• I heard this man was 40,.......
  
• Darlana beautiful, but hey I'm the evil brother that threw mud in your face
  
• Greg says thanks for wearing flats ;)
  
• Basketball girls catching the bouquet,
  

NetFlix Standup Comedians:

Videos: